A Perception Problem

I did not grow up fat.

I was a dancer for 10 years. Until the end of middle school, I was thin and well-proportioned, and able to leap 3 cheeseburgers in a single bound. I never cared what I ate...I was never taught to care by my divorced parents who, despite loving me very much, didn't know a thing about vitamins or whole grains, and who could never get on the same page even if they had.

And then, I stopped dancing, and have gained weight ever since. Except for a short period when I started college in 2001, I have steadily added between 3 and 5 pounds a year, such that I now weigh 175 pounds.

I know the root of my problem, but I suppose it isn't worth mentioning here except in passing. My mother is a tiny scrap of a woman, with a metabolic rate that would be envied by an Olympian. When I weighed 140 pounds, she offered me $500 to lose 15 pounds. I didn't do it...part of me wanted that money so badly, and part of me was absolutely outraged that a mother could ask that of her 15-year-old daughter. So, stuck between desire and indignation, I did nothing.

Adding to my problem currently is an underactive thyroid, a real love for food and possible misconceptions about the health benefits of said food, and a crippling perfectionism. And, while I hate to add this as a reason...I am eternally busy. I am halfway through my Master's degree in Geology, and I work full-time as a bookkeeper for my mother's law office, neither of which contributes to a healthy food and exercise regimen.

Despite these things, I must change. I am uncomfortable in my skin. I am perpetually and unceasingly conscious of how my body moves and folds and bulges. I have mountains of clothing that I cannot wear, bought for a person with just a little less here and there. I am still well-proportioned, but "well-proportioned" means little when the proportions are enormous. I suppose the situation could be much worse...but in my own head, I might as well be 400 pounds as 175.

So, there it is. In this blog, I hope to chronicle my struggle with this problem. I have tried many different things, but perhaps it is writing about it that will ultimately force me to alter my perceptions and make a change.

Here's hoping.