Can't Win for Losing

I swear, every time I turn around it's something new.

I went to the doctor a few weeks ago, and dutifully went and had blood (lots of blood) drawn last week for tests. As it turns out, my thyroid is more messed up than they thought, which means a higher dosage of synthetic thyroid hormone...my vitamin D is way low, still...and my blood sugar points to a high risk for diabetes.

!!!

This is shocking to me. Diabetes?! Diabetes is for fat, unhealthy people who drink soda, eat fried food and get extra butter on their already butter-saturated popcorn. I don't do any of that!! I may have a few too many pieces of candy from time to time, but I've largely cut that crap out of my diet, and when I do eat it I monitor very closely how much I'm consuming. Otherwise, my eating habits are just one degree off stellar...I eat whole grain EVERYTHING, I try to eat a good balance of vegetables, carbs and protein. My exercise habits have been a little sketchy...but anyone who can just up and walk 3 miles without issue HAS to be at least somewhat healthy, right?!

This has me really bummed out today. I watch what I eat, I try and exercise, I think of myself as a fairly healthy person. To find out that I'm a high risk for diabetes makes me feel like I'm beating my head against a wall for absolutely no gain whatsoever.

My doctor wants me to lose at least 10 pounds. Believe me, lady, if it were that easy I would have done it years ago. She already wanted me to lose that much or more because of my cholesterol, which they forgot to check this time. I'm sure that's bad, too, though.

Today is not a good day for me, health-wise. I have to fix things, and I'm not sure how to do so without making myself completely miserable in the process. I've been trying to be gradual about everything, ease myself into the diet and exercise stuff so that it can become a more lasting, permanent way of life than just something I'm doing to shed pounds. It isn't working, though.

If I deny myself a food, then that food becomes all I can think about. That's why I try to allow myself little indulgences from time to time, so that I don't feel like I'm being deprived. But clearly, this isn't working for me.

I don't know what to do. I cry as I write this, because it all just feels so hopeless. I know I'll feel better in a little while...I just have to come up with a plan, and then follow it.

Ok, I'll write again later.